In Response to the Poorly Written Tripe by Matt Walsh…
* – For those who haven’t had the (mis)fortune of reading this drivel, the URL is here: http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/06/19/dear-single-men-time-man-figure/
I have several problems with this article. For one, it is short-sighted. Secondly, one action begets another. Women dictate what men can do (or “get away with”, if you will) when it comes to the dating scene. Every action elicits an equal and/or opposite reaction. Yin and yang. Hand in glove. Cart before the horse. ToMAYto/toMAHto. You cannot exhort men to “man up” when it isn’t nearly the issue that the aforementioned article’s writer makes it out to be.
I have serious problems with this line of thinking from two standpoints:
I’ve been broke and no income/employment. I’ve had money and business flowing, and in both situations, I was waiting to meet just ONE woman who was looking to build and take it from there. Not ONCE have I met one, regardless of what financial state (or geographical, as I was in NC for a while before coming back to NY), and it is like the perception exists like there is this smorgasbord… a bevy… a plethora of available women who don’t have slide buddies and are completely detached… that you can accomplish this feat with. There are plenty of men who want to build a legacy of marriage and family and simply have no suitable mate with which to do so.
I took my mind completely off even trying for over two years now. And at age 35, I am virtually checking out of wanting to get married at all.
A lot of this is useless conjecture. There is a direct parallel and sliding scale between men’s actions and what women allow.
If 60 out of 100 women acted like sluts and slides, guys will govern themselves accordingly, while the other 40 sit back and wonder why they can’t find a respectable man.
If 100 out of 100 women (hypothetically and actually) were to align their actions with the WORDS that we always seem to hear from so many of them, no man would be able to get away with any of this.
In short, men do what women allow them to get away with, and if that means just being F buddies, FWB, casual/serial daters, hook up partners and noncommittal cowards (just as so many women are nowadays), then that’s how they will govern themselves.
The onus is first on women, despite men’s inclination to hunt, pursue, lead and set the tone for any relationship, should it get to that point.
All this internalization and personal story sharing is irrelevant if we don’t FIRST acknowledge this FACT — not opinion — about how women are the ones who hold the cards in how men act in accordance and respect towards women.
It still does not negate the fact that so many women nowadays cheat (often more than men) are commitment-phobes, and don’t want any part of a relationship where they aren’t merely f*ck buddies. That is today’s landscape for the most part. Not all. But many. Many of those who claim they want to get married are either older and can’t get by on their looks anymore, or are ugly and/or insane. Not all, but many.
Bottom line, you cannot write a column telling men to man up without factoring in the newfangled BS that men have to deal with nowadays with “today’s woman.” They are mutually exclusive. What is perceived as men not “manning up” has a great deal to do with this.
This is fact. Not opinion.
When you want a relationship and marriage for the right reasons, simplicity and effective communication are atop the list. Yet by asking for so little, you get accused of asking for “too much.” When you make your intentions known within the first few months, you get the cold shoulder, yet this hack “writer” thinks that by not playing yourself in that manner, that you are not “manning up” while women nowadays play the games even more than men?
There isn’t so much a fear or unwillingness among men (not nearly as prevalent as some like to think, anyway) as the FACT that the following things are occurring more than previous generations:
– Women cheat more than ever.
– Women are less willing to settle down and marry before 30 now more than ever.
– Women can play the string along, noncommittal game and get away with it with even more ease than men ever did, now more than they (n)ever (did before.)
There is nothing to STEP UP to, when your options for doing so with a woman of that same cloth are just as scarce as their options are among men, and vice versa.
I am not one to go anti-feminism, because there were (as incidental as many were, IMO) benefits to that movement, but the downsides are manifold; three of which were highlighted in my bullet points earlier.
Cannot address men in the manner of this column without first acknowledging those three bullet points (and several other pivotal factors that contribute to it all) and assessing how much of an influence THOSE are to how men act towards women when it comes to defining relationship titles and all that other shit.
In fact, men are very simple. If they want to build towards marriage beyond dating, they will do so. If they don’t want a commitment and choose to live that other lifestyle, then they will. Women are very discerning creatures as it is, so even if he doesn’t come out and articulate that he wants to sow his oats, or if he’s truly into you and wants to settle down and marry, then you will know even before he voices such.
However, since he’s telling men to “step up” (flawed logic, and as a man, he KNOWS this is off base) as it were was a surefire way to get women who want any and every platform to voice their qualms with men in their past (or current) to click here.
I’m the first to take men to task when they are out of line, and it appears to be a growing epidemic, but this particular article is hogwash. He’s had a long track record of good work, so I will write it off as a throwaway piece. But the notion that men are somehow abdicating their roles and subjugating themselves to something less than what they are, while women are left to “pick up the slack” and “have become more masculine as a result” is ludicrous.
I tend to understand the gist of what he meant, and took it as such, but if there are just as many (and ever-increasing in number) women who are noncommittal and want no parts of settling down, there is much more to the issue than men “stepping up.”
In fact, that onus on men is a good number of pegs down on the totem pole from what the PARAMOUNT issues are when it comes to the decline in fruitful relationships and marriage.
My point is that none of this has anything to do with “stepping up.” Guys who want commitment/marriage either make it stately clear, or at least demonstrate that they are seriously into the woman, and either experience reciprocity, or get put on the back burner while she goes and explores other options. Her right, for sure, but the whole stringing along phenomenon and needing to “step up” is not the issue so much as the lack of transparency and simple honesty is absent in growing numbers amongst both men AND women when it comes to dating and beyond.
The problem with basing this phenomenon on how quickly and often women “give it up” is the thinking that by making him wait that anything will be any different. If anything, that 90 Day Rule trash only stirs up feelings of spite and resentment even AFTER he waited and “got it.”
Giving it up early on does not necessarily make a woman a slut, and waiting weeks, months or even YEARS (as if?!?!) does not necessarily mean you are this virtuous flower, nor does it necessarily portend good things.
Some of my worst experiences in relationships were when I was made to wait for months. I respected the women who I was in relationships with who were HONEST (oops there’s that word) with their desires and acted upon them ingenuously, rather than using sex as if it were a carrot dangled in front of a rabbit, constantly at arm’s reach.
Then again, I was always in it for more than just sex.
That’s where women’s discernment has to factor in, and that is one of the things that isn’t being used when they deal with these men who supposedly aren’t “stepping up,” as Matt so stated. A man can state his intentions, whether it is to simply fool around or build towards relationship, courtship and marriage, and, in many cases, by stating either one, he will be written off as “desperate” or “moving too fast” in either scenario.
That leads to the dreaded grey area where noncommittal people often find themselves nowadays. It isn’t about “blame” as much as it is merely stating why things are the way they are nowadays.