Heat & Hoes: La Combinación Perfecta (Not Suitable for All)

Heat & Hoes: La Combinación Perfecta (Not Suitable for All)
M.D. Wright

Listen, every team that wins a title in any professional sport develops legions of bandwagon fans. The recency of winning only amplifies the situation further. How many Detroit Red Wings fans do you know who couldn’t even point Detroit out to you on a map (or would bring themselves to even enter the city limits, no less?) How are people who live several time zones away from Yankee Stadium, never lived in New York, and only see 15 or 20 Yankee games per year claiming to be Yankee fans (although this was much more prevalent in the late 1990s and early 2000s than now), when people know that some of them were fans of another team before the Yankees reestablished their throne as the preeminent winning franchise in the world? It is one thing to go from the Mets to the Yankees in the 1980s (which I, and many others did), but that isn’t bandwagoning when you become a fan of a team due to a couple of players — mine being Florida State sports legend Deion Sanders, upon joining the Yankees in 1989 — and not because of a title, which did not occur for another 7 years, in the Yankees’ case. The NFL exposes bandwagon fans probably more than any other league, because teams rarely repeat — or even come close to doing so — in today’s NFL. However, you have seen people jump onto the Pittsburgh Steelers’ bandwagon since 2005, the Green Bay Packers’ bandwagon since 2010 and off, on, off, on, and now, as of the 2012 season, back off the New York Football Giants‘ bandwagon. But nothing is as nauseating as a Miami Heat bandwagon fan. There are multiple reasons why becoming a bandwagon fan of that team is abominable. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Many of these people are known to have been supporting the Boston Celtics as recently as three seasons ago. Before that, the Los Angeles Lakers. And even before that, the Chicago Bulls in the 1990s. Seriously, many of us know people who have done this.

2. Some people are only supportive of the Miami Heat incidentally, as they worship LeBron James, and the team is collateral. This is the worst type of “fan” in some cases, because if James were to leave the Heat (although less likely with a second Miami title*) they would then unabashedly become a “fan” of the next team.

3. There are a great number of people who were New York Knicks fans, and utilize the same tired line of “I am sick of the front office and (Knicks/Rangers owner James) Dolan, they don’t deserve my loyalty anymore, so I turned on them” despite being New Yorkers and mortal enemies of the Miami Heat.

4. Their favorite term for anyone who does not bow down and worship everything about the Miami Heat is “hater” (yet, they are all weirdly fixated on the one team that would have beaten them had David J. Stern not rigged the Knicks vs. Pacers to ensure that the Knicks did not ruin Stern’s coveted storyline, and cannot keep the Knicks out of their mouths, fearful that the Knicks have their number — which they do — even as the Heat were on the verge of winning in Game 7). They can never develop a coherent thought in response to valid assertions, except to label any and everyone as a “hater.”

5. 97% of these people do not even realize why Knicks fans truly hate the Heat (Hint: it isn’t “jealousy”, as no real fan wants to turn a blind eye to officials rigging games and revel in winning* just to be able to brag incessantly — Knicks fans are by far the most knowledgeable fans in the NBA, and a tainted ring is worse than having no ring at all).

6. There is nothing more noble than to stick with your team through thick and (mostly) thin for years, even decades, without a title, because the point when the team actually wins a title will be more exhilarating than front-running one’s way on the coattails of the Flavor of the Month.


7. Never in any of the runs by the Dallas Cowboys, San Francisco 49ers, Pittsburgh Steelers, New England Patriots*, New York Football Giants, New York Yankees, Detroit Red Wings, Duke Blue Devils, North Carolina Tar Heels, Boston Celtics, Los Angeles Lakers or Alabama Crimson Tide have any of us seen so many WOMEN who have rarely, if ever, commented about anything basketball-related (other than how so and so looks in shorts, or sweat glistening, off hand — PAUSE), until the Heat were on the verge once again this season.

I liken this to groupies at a rock concert, hoes who got off the pill a full month before (insert R&B panty-raider’s name here) came to town for a show, and got backstage passes after having already thrown their panties on stage, with the intent to get pregnant, and the scrawny nerd-cum-chiseled movie actor who suddenly has legions of female fans — nearly all of whom would have never given him a second look in high school, had they known him then.

The Miami Heat are like that all rolled into one. The team is 25 years old. When they were in their adolescence, they were this gawky, off-kilter, awkward amalgam of misfit pieces that routinely lost to the New York Knicks in the playoffs, and their closest contact with being relevant or winning was benefiting from an extremely curious set of suspensions that derailed the best of the 1990s New York Knicks teams in 1997, and retiring Michael Jordan’s #23, as if it were going to inject some winning ability into the team entering its second decade of life. After choking season after season, they got a gift-wrapped rigged draft pick in 2003 (Dwyane Wade, who David Stern and the NBA were determined to manufacture into a star, come hell or high water), as a 15th birthday present. Still, the Heat were irrelevant, and they barely had more than 8,500 people in the seats of most of their games.

Come 2006, the team somehow landed Shaquille O’Neal in a rather lopsided trade with the Los Angeles Lakers, and a team that had no chance to beat the Dallas Mavericks somehow shoots a million more free throws than the Mavs, after the Mavs predictably ran out to a 2-0 series lead in the 2006 NBA Finals, and Wade gets his title* and accolades galore. All rigged by the NBA’s powers-that-be. Most people refused to acknowledge that NBA Championship, because we knew what we witnessed was blatant cheating to ensure that Wade got a ring and could thus be marketed as some sort of icon (and now people are calling him a Hall of Fame player, which he is certainly not — there are two dozen shooting guards who AREN’T in the Hall of Fame and were better than Wade and his three rigged titles).

Nevertheless, O’Neal was clearly shot after a couple of seasons, and that team was broken up completely within a year’s time. The Heat bottomed out once again, going 15-67 in 2007-2008. If you knew a Miami Heat fan at that time, you were more likely to be friends with the chupacabra, had dinner with Osama bin Laden, and successfully stolen the Leprechaun’s pot o’ gold, than to know one. Much less seemingly 50 million of them, as is the case in 2013. I have never seen a bandwagon grow so quickly under such dubious rigging in my life. I will always say that the NBA and the game of basketball is much easier to influence on the part of officials than any other game. And worse yet, when officials in the NBA do so, it is more and more obvious today than ever. Yet people (notably, Heat “fans”) turn a blind eye, continue to insult our intelligence about what basketball looks like, and taunt people who won’t worship the Heat 24/7/365. We just witnessed at least two players on the San Antonio Spurs shave points and play as if they were on the take, and people suddenly believe that guys who are stalwarts suddenly forgot how to play basketball overnight. And my name is Stevie Wonder.

Follow the money trail, people.

LeBron James could have remained in Cleveland and coaxed Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers. After all, he couldn’t get the job done, despite getting to the NBA Finals in 2007 with a team that was much more talented than his apologists and worshipers care to admit. For perspective’s sake, the current Miami Heat, which is universally agreed upon to be the Stacked Deck of the NBA, won the same number of games at its apex (and playing what is by far the worst division in the NBA — the Southeast Division) that the supposedly one-man-show Cleveland Cavaliers did, despite James obviously quitting on his teammates in the playoffs in back to back seasons.

Then came The Decision in July 2010, when a ton of James worshipers left their allegiances with Cleveland (or their actual hometown, longtime team) and hitched their wagon to the Miami Heat, and becoming insufferable dickheads for the past three seasons. Suddenly, a team that had fewer fans than a company kickball team, had millions of “fans.” Despite a loss in the 2011 NBA Finals (which was also crooked, given the dump job by James, and the reticence of Stern to make it look too obvious for the Stacked Deck Team of the NBA to win a title in its first season together), the newfound “fanbase” was undaunted. The Heat won in 2012 and 2013, and now one in every three people you run into claims to have been a Heat fan since Rory Sparrow, Sherm Douglas and Grant Long were playing for the team. They don’t even realize that one of their assistant coaches was once a player on the team. That’s how ridiculous this fanbase has become. Miami is known as a fickle, front-running sports town. Miami natives who are honest have gone on record as saying so. “The U.” (the University of Miami football team) has been consistently good, until late (and voila! they haven’t had back to back sellouts in a few years, given multiple scandals in recent years). Before 2007, they were the hottest ticket in town for the previous 25 years, along with the Dolphins — who are the only team in the area where the fans are there, rain or shine, win or lose. The Florida/Miami Marlins have won two World Series in their history, but because their owner(s) have held fire sales after each title, the fanbase scatters like cockroaches encountering Boric Acid the year following the World Series. Now, they have the newest ballpark in Major League Baseball, and you could hold 15 separate tent revivals in that stadium and not overlap with the other.

And that was within the first month of the new stadium in 2012.

Despite all of these factors, nothing rankles the nerves of people who are already wary of bandwagon jumpers, than to see a bunch of groupie females who don’t know the difference between a touchdown, a grand slam and a step-back jump shot, become the most vocal “fans” of a team all of a sudden. These are the types who you never saw any commentary from during the NBA season, at any point prior to this year, or even this June, who are flooding Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Vine and others, and making inane statements such as these:


… on national television, without a care of how transparently foolish they appear.

Worse yet, they fail at every attempt to prove that they were fans before now, and suck their teeth and give up when you quiz them to death about the team. They just insist that the Miami Heat are the greatest team ever and LeBron James — who would be nothing more than Terry Catledge if he played in the 1980s and early 1990s — is somehow better than players who were consumed with winning and couldn’t have cared less about what others said about them; except to use it as motivation to kill their next opponent, such as Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, and Reggie Miller.

But has the nerve to say that he doesn’t care what people say about him (Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NEuep0OuEs&feature=player_embedded) when he’s spent 10 years proving daily, that it is all that he cares about? That the desire to be liked and adored, instead of damning the adulation of some fans, as the aforementioned actual legends (who didn’t make a career out of flopping), did, successfully? Never mind the talent disparity in the league today versus the 1980s and 1990s, because that is obvious to most, with the Stacked Deck Miami Heat, but there is another segment of bandwagon fans who have become more repulsive than anyone else:
And that’s the one (or more) whores on our respective News Feeds who we all know was throwing her panties at members of the Los Angeles Lakers, and previously the Boston Celtics (for one year???) and prior to that, back to the Los Angeles Lakers and the Chicago Bulls before that — somehow never becoming a “fan” of the San Antonio Spurs, despite titles in 1999, 2003, 2005 and 2007 — and somehow, we are supposed to believe that wetness running down your leg is rain, hun? Please. We have enough spineless MEN who appear ready to suck off every member of the Miami Heat if they were promised parade celebration tickets, but for you to insult our intelligence further with your shameless hussy acts is taking it too far.

P.S. If you are running around with the Heat dick hanging out of your mouth while you flood our News Feeds with your inane posts while hating on people like Zoe Saldana and Kim Kardashian SOMETHING IS FUCKING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU.

No. Really.

Groupies 1


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