Without Self-Reflection, You’re Heading for Self-Destruction
Been doing quite a bit of self-reflection since I moved down south. I’ve had plenty of time to do so. Even more than the daily evaluation that I have done for my entire adult life, and there are two major things that have stuck out to me of late:
My work-social life-family/friends balance is completely out of whack. It’s been all work, and very little to none of the other two aspects. Most of it is circumstantial and beyond my control, so there isn’t much that I could have done differently, considering my specific situation over the past 15-18 months.
The other is a major issue in my dating relationships from the past. In disrupting the cycle, which I finally put to a complete end in February of last year, I realized a very important element of sociology and psychology that I learned over a decade ago:
(Sometimes) Opposites attract. Along with that, people are often drawn to a strength in a person that is a weakness in their own lives. The problem is, those weaknesses are akin to bottomless pits that only God (whoever your god is) can fulfill. No man (or woman) has the capacity to satisfy such needy people. The last four relationships that I had been in were all women who were drawn to my obvious outer strength, as well as my supreme confidence that is pretty evident (mistaken for something negative by people who don’t truly know me) and precedes me even speaking to people. Insecure woman + secure man = two miserable and emotionally-drained people. No matter how loving, caring and understanding you are as the secure person in that relationship, you will never be enough, and you will eventually become a crutch for the other individual. I recognized what I needed to do in order to break the cycle of attracting (never sought them out, but obviously there was mutual attraction and shared interests aside from their insecurities) such women — the first being the fact that I needed to be willing to be ALONE for quite some time, which has never been an issue for me, a noted loner — and secondly, recognize those types when it was veering into such a thing, and avoid those types of relationships altogether. Of course, this gets you labeled as “too picky” and “stuck up” and whatever negative thing people come up with, but you do not only yourself a disservice by compromising your ideals, but you only enable the other person to continue to avoid dealing with their issues, thus precluding either one of you from developing and building a healthy relationship with someone else. Gone are the days of placing a premium on looks. Those ended in my late 20s — although she STILL needs to be attractive to ME, and ONLY ME — but there has to also be a meshing of shared interests, values, character and future plans… if you don’t have a plan (and part of that plan has to involve being a true Helper) then you are DOA in my eyes to begin with.
There is work to be done, although not much, but sometimes I am too ambitious for my own good. It has certainly gotten me in trouble by taking on far too much in my academic and professional careers, while not being ambitious ENOUGH in the relationship department. The entire year of 2012 was devoted to righting the ship, and I am determined to strike the proper work/social life/family balance, while upholding my part of the bargain as relates to actually meeting the right woman and building with someone who’s worthy, as opposed to someone who projects their insecurities onto me, as has been the case with a great majority of the women that I’ve dealt with over the past 10-12 years.