COMmunication, COMpromise & COMmonalities: The COMbination to Relationship Success
You don’t need to break out the Sociology and Psychology books to know this. Well, maybe some people should; I mean, I wouldn’t feel the need to write this if I hadn’t seen enough instances where people still do not understand that these are just a few of the half dozen or so tenets to a healthy relationship.
BECAUSE WHO WANTS A DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP EXCEPT PSYCHOS, RIGHT?
Maybe it seems so “basic” to me, because I have long understood this, but foundationally speaking, these tenets cannot be argued. I have a great example with which to perceive first-hand: my parents. In addition, I grew up around a good number of healthy marriages, so I naturally draw the parallels.
Communication is more than back and forth banter. It is EFFECTIVE communication that allows for a relationship to endure. If all of your communication consists of bickering and arguing, how effective can the communication be? Body language, posture, reading each others’ vocal inflections, tones and all of the other aspects of true communication must be taken into account. However, if communication is one-sided or virtually non-existent, what IS there? Communication can beget trust, and assist in building toward transparency, and eventually honesty and the “Comfort Zone” that so many people try to jump into just a week into their beginning to date that new person in their lives.
Compromise is not giving in. Compromise is not giving up. Compromise is not one-sided. It means that both parties agree to concessions that are in the best interests of the relationship; not one of the parties INVOLVED in the relationship. That is the difference between conceding, relenting and being railroaded consistently in the name of “compromise.”
The need for compromise is inevitable. Knowing how to effectively do so — with effective communication, of course — is where the pot o’ gold reveals itself.
Sure, in some regards, opposites attract, and opposites are truly helpful. But only when the prior two “COM” points are understood by two mature individuals going in. Yin and Yang, being the “Voice of Reason” to his “Impulsive Nature” is cute to talk about with your lush girlfriends on Nights Out, but if both of you do not understand the value of having a Type B personality to work in conjunction with a Type A aggressor, you are more likely to end up on the local news with a bloody forehead and stitches like Rihanna than you are to be on someone’s How To manual for successful relationships.
You must have more in common than simple human commonalities such as loving to breathe clean air and preferring hot pizza over day old cold pizza. Who doesn’t share those things in common?
Sharing quirks is cool, to an extent, as is liking the same movies, sports teams, and other activities. Commonalities of the heart are more profound and are surer bets when it comes to building a foundation. Sharing an outlook on having kids (or NOT having them), how you will raise them, attitudes about sex, marriage (or never doing so), finishing each other’s sentences because you think similarly, valuing the same things (those things that ultimately have lasting virtue), etc. are where commonalities enter the picture.
Loving to drink each other under the table and into oblivion is not really conducive to anything substantive, although I’m SURE someone will argue.
There are obviously several other keys to building a successful relationship, but if the extent of your concerns are “Dayum she got a wagon!” or “If I front like I love watching sports, will he buy me this or that” and attempting to manufacture cohesion — is not the way. If you say you want someone different than a thug who likes to bring knives and illegal guns to the club, causing you to get bum’s rushed at home out of the blue for just being associated with him, then find someone who shares the things you actually value (SUCH AS YOUR LIFE). If you say that looks don’t matter as much as chemistry and that intangible “aha!” moment where you know she is the right one for you, why go around smashing everything that moves, and even RISKING knocking up a hood rat who didn’t even finish the 11th grade, and now works at one of those Check Cashing stores with the sign half-blinking in the hood? So what she doesn’t have the most exotic looks or the bangingest (indulge me) body, or may not understand half the slang that most of your “homegirls” do, if you have chemistry, explore it. You never know where it may ultimately lead. If he is more into books or speaks the King’s English, doesn’t drink and doesn’t know how to empty a Dutch with just his girlie pinky nail and nothing more, then roll with it — if that’s the “difference” that you desire.
SIDE NOTE: Nothing against being from the hood or living there, but you can either become a self-fulfilling prophecy, or know your worth, and DESIRE MORE.
These tenets I offer are just a few of the foundational ways to do so. I am no Dr. Phil (at least I’m legit ha), but I know of which I speak.