2011 NFL: What We Know After Week 5
God I love football. Need I say more? I could write five columns a day about everything football, if I had the time. Someone get me a gig so that I can supplant these hacks who never put their hand on the ground and got blindsided Hines Ward style.
Anyway, here are my observations after WEEK FIVE:
— Calvin Johnson is a bastard. He ONLY scored one TD on Monday Night Football. Matthew Stafford should be required to go to him in every Red Zone situation.
— Brandon Pettigrew is about to push Jason Witten and Antonio Bill Walton Gates off the map.
— Oh those TRICKY BENGALS.
— The Chiefs are going, “Charlie who?!?!”
— Jeff Backus and Dom Raiola are right, the Lions are “making strides”.
— The Giants’ offensive line is jockeying with the Bears’ and Steelers’ for the worst in the NFL.
— Victor Cruz is a thrill a minute. Although he’s made two good plays for every back-breaking (or potentially back-breaking) play, I love this kid.
— Everyone who vilified me for “having too much faith in a kid who only had one big preseason game a year ago” should wash my drawlz prison style.
— Jay Cutler just earned a bit of respect from me in the way he handled the Lions’ mammoth pass rush in Week 5.
— Frank Omiyale is persona non grata amongst Bears fans thus far this year.
— Eli Manning can’t win. He gets undo blame when the Giants lose, and is labeled as “lucky” when they win.
— Brandon Meriweather took copious notes from Rodney Harrison before taking his position. He’s now on line to become the newest Dirtiest Player in the NFL, now that Hines Ward is about to be rendered irrelevant after this season.
— The Giants need Justin Tuck in the worst way. Tuck’s absence proves the assertion that he is the best defensive lineman in football.
— Mario Williams will be missed by the Texans a lot more than Andre Johnson.
— Derrick Mason reminds me of that guy who starts a beef, causes a third-party dude to get shot and then flees to another borough and laughs about it.
— Aaron Rodgers is the best QB in the NFL and it’s not close.
— Clay Matthews is probably more effective thus far this season than he was in 2010, despite the statistics. He is opening up opportunities for guys to make plays while he is being doubled and chipped.
— Gosder Cherilus needs to work on his footwork.
— The Jets and Mark Sanchez prayed to their Golden Calf and thanked it that Nick Mangold is back.
— Shonn Greene finally ran like he gave a damn on Sunday.
— BenJarvis Green-Ellis is garbage, yet he gets yards. Ahmad Bradshaw is twice the RB that he is and can’t get yards.
— Arian Foster is soft.
— Imagine if the Redskins had a good QB, a consistent running game and their best target in the receiving game wasn’t their TE?
— London Fletcher continues to amaze, at age 36.
— Ray Lewis might kill someone Sunday. (No Super Bowl jokes intended. HA.)
— Santonio Holmes once said “I’a choke a bitch!” and I think he meant Offensive Coordinator Brian Schottenheimer. Get on line, Santonio. Hundreds of Jets fans were there before you.
— Despite the 45-point blowout Sunday, the 49ers really are not that good. They are this year’s Smoke ‘n’ Mirrors team.
— I’m still waiting for Packers’ CB Tramon Williams to have an impact like late last year.
— Same with Sam Shields.
— Imagine if the Lions had RB Mikel Leshoure? MERCY.
— Colts’ QB Kerry Collins needs to hang ’em up. I don’t want to see him 10 years from now slurring his words and watching his face droop to one side.
— I think the Giants should hire Buddy Ryan as a Quality Control Consultant (smirk).
— The Eagles should have hired Eric Mangini. They won’t win 7 games with that defense.
— Adrian Peterson runs over guys like he’s taking it out on the cops who arrested his pops back in the day.
— Bryant McKinnie is glad Julius Peppers is dinged up.
— Matt Forte, while not elite, is the most undervalued and underappreciated RB in the NFL.
— Chris Johnson went back to his cubby hole in Week 5, after making his debut appearance this season in Week FOUR.
— I’d love to see Broncos’ RB Knowshon Moreno on a good team.
— (Al Davis Voice) The Oak-land Al-a-me-da Coun-ty Col-a-see-um will be poignant this Sunday when the Browns come to play Da Raidisss.
— Fred Jackson might break some NFL records this Sunday if Justin Tuck does not play.
— Ryan Fitzpatrick, on the other hand, won’t be able to rest on the laurels of his Hahvid degree when he gets sacked seven times Sunday.
— The Dolphins will score a field goal on Monday. Reggie Bush will have to be reminded to get off the beach and stop chasing herpes-infected chicks with big noses and spray can tans so he can get blown up by Dave Harris.
— Wes Welker is still on pace to break Marv Harrison’s record for receptions (143).
— Jared Allen, who John Madden raved about a few years ago, is going to break the season sack record. He’s been out for blood since the first snap of the season.
— Bernard Berrian, Manos Duros, Jr., could make a nice career of imitating Roberto Duran in the boxing ring. God knows he doesn’t have the hands to be a WIDE RECEIVER.
— Don McNabb should still be starting in Philly.
— Eagles fans are treading upon their words, erasing taunts and boasts from message boards galore, acting as if they were going to win the Super Bowl before anyone officially tore an ACL in training camp.
— Don McNabb is still better than any QB on the Iggles’ roster.
— Bolts’ RB Ryan Mathews finally had his nuts drop from his stomach, after playing like a girl in his rookie season. His teammates love him for it.
— The irony? Philip Rivers is having an off year thus far and the Bolts are not starting slowly for the first time since guys like Seau and Means were there.
— Cards’ Kevin Kolb doesn’t care about his detractors. He’s gotten paid $20M+ for doing less than any QB in the NFL in the process.
— If the Seabags were smart, they’d bring in JaMarcus Russell. And I’m not joking.
— Giants’ QB Kill Tally: 2. Goal: 6.
— WHO THE HELL IS THIS MONTA ELLIS LOOKIN’ DOUG BALDWIN DUDE???
— Brandon Lloyd: The Epitome of the Term, “Late Bloomer”.
— When will the Bears pick up the phone and call Touraj Houshmandzadeh? Roy Williams has been stealing NFL checks for four years now.
— Brian Urlacher is dirty.
— The way Giants SS Ken Phillips gets fined for legitimate, clean hits, you’d THINK he was.
— Bears’ Chris Harris looked more lost than a hipster who fell asleep on the 3 line at New Lots and walked around the Pink Houses at 2 am.
— Cowboys’ QB Tony Romo is due for one of those classic, overblown, “heroic” games (where he digs the Cowboys in a hole with turnovers, only to get a couple of late TDs against Stick Defenses for a GW TD). Which will lead to a week of ESPN Worship, and then Romo laying an egg like he did in Week 4.
— The Jack Del Rio Watch is in full effect.
— Andy Dalton is exceeding all expectations.
— Cam Newton is also, although he’s becoming the Master of the Exciting Close Losses.
— The Seabags’ defensive line is underrated, but not nearly as good as the Giants’ offensive line made them appear. The Giants’ offensive line resembled the turnstiles at the NW corner of the 42nd St. station during peak hour almost all game.
— The Raiders must re-establish DMC on Sunday. I expect a lot of “The Powah Runnin’ Game… The Ver-ti-cal Passing Game… The Deep Strike and a commitment to excellence”.
— The Bucs gladly welcome Tanard Jackson back into the fold. They need all the help they can get.
— The Falcons are a good sedative when you have no Ambien left. Aubrey Graham should create a soundtrack for their 2011 season.
— Sean Payton: “Reggie Who?!?!”
— Wide Nine. Dream Team.
— Has there been a season where Steelers’ DE Aaron Smith DIDN’T get hurt and miss several games, if not the season?
— I hate watching Steven Jackson’s prime years go to waste in St. Louis.
— The 49ers should sign Tiki Barber.
— Imagine if Raiders’ S Michael Huff gave a damn more than once a month?
— Tim Tebow has the Grace of God surrounding him and the ability to make miracle plays, but is jockeying Michael Vick for league-worst ability to read defenses.
— Joe Flacco is so overrated it makes an ulcer develop in my stomach just thinking about it.
— Dwayne Bowe is gonna go on a 10 TD in 5 game streak like he did last year, RIGHT after I cut him from my 2010 Fantasy Team SMH.
— It’s stuff like that which made me quit playing FF for good.
— Same with Jahvid Best last year, and how he will follow up a game like he had in Week 5.
— Leslie Frazier had a golden ticket in Minnesota and he’s managed to screw it up, although they won in Week 5.
— Roman Harper should be glad that Steve Smith didn’t break his jaw Sunday.
— Why aren’t the Panthers running the ball more?
— All the talk about Brandon Marshall makes me wonder why people don’t realize that Davone Bess is more reliable to the Fins.
— Cards’ Daryl Washington is going to be a beast if/when the Cards ever figure out how to play the 3-4 this season. He has the best DT in the NFC in front of him in Darnell Dockett (FROM?!?!?!)
— Jets’ Antonio Holdmartie (Cromartie — FROM?!?!?!) will have his hands full Monday.
— Patriots fans act like Wes Welker torched Jets’ CB Darrelle Revis on Sunday, when in actuality, he had 3 catches for 15 yards when Cromartie or Kyle Wilson weren’t covering him.
— Jim Nantz is on the Patriots’ payroll.
— Joe Buck (as of 2007) and Troy Aikman (still) are on the Cowboys’ payroll.
— Kenny Albert and Cris Collinsworth appear to be the only commentators throughout football who don’t make a living hating on the Giants.
— Hearing Eagles fans claim that Joe Buck hates their team almost made me slam my beer down and leave Three Sheets Saloon a while back.
— If Peyton Manning comes back this season, before December, I’d be willing to wager they’ll still win the AFC South with 7 or 8 wins.
— Matt Schaub, proving me right ONCE AGAIN, with a Game-Ending, Back-Breaking INT on Sunday.
— The refs in the Patriots-Jets game Sunday cheated so much for New England that people who hate the Jets and wanted them to lose by five touchdowns were scrunching their faces with the number of made-up, phantom calls that favored the Patriots, resulting in the difference in the game.
— Urlacher is right, THE BEARS DO STINK.
— Jim Schwartz, as fiery as they come, looks like he’s “slow” when he does his patented, slow-motion fist pumps.
— Gunther Cunningham looks like someone who will shoot or stab someone in cold blood, slowly lick the splattered blood from his face, softly say “If he dies, he dies” and walk off.
— Pete Carroll is the kind of guy who makes you want to hang him by the loops in his pants. Just looking at him annoys me.
— Over/Under the number of times we see Tom Coughlin crane his neck, with his rosacea flaring up while dropping F-bombs in disbelief on Sunday? 27?
— Who else still wants to crush Kevin Gilbride’s sunglasses even when he makes a great play-call? He looks like the Chipmunks version of Erik Estrada in CHIPS with those highway patrolman glasses.
— Gilbride’s satisfied looks when the Giants score belie how flummoxed he looks when his 3rd and 5 inside handoffs and drag routes run 3 yards short of the mark fail to work out.
— The Giants may be the worst 3rd down converting team in the NFL.
— Whose playbook is thinner? Brian Schottenheimer’s or Kevin Gilbride’s? Who’s coloring is even within the lines of the pictures on all 17 pages? I’ll say Schotty’s. Who even makes it past page 4 of their playbook each week? I’ll say NEITHER.
— I hate the 49ers, but it is good for the NFL for them to be winning, even if it is just a mirage.
— It is good for the NFL when the Dolphins are winning, too bad we won’t see that before I become a Silver Fox.
— I’d vote for Obama in 2012 before I’d vote Ben Roethlisberger man of the year, but he had a great game in Week 5.
— The Browns are going to win four of their next five games. BOOK IT.
— If the Bengals make the playoffs, I may go streaking (just not in Chelsea or Greenwich Village.