Cheating: Not Wavy
You know how it is with me, the simplest conversation will turn into a column. While I leave peoples’ names and third-party personal business out of my writing, if you screw me over in this particular department, the situation won’t be spared — although I have class enough not to say your name. Nevertheless, we somehow sauntered on to this discussion in a chat window tonight, and it caused me to stop and think.
WHEN IS CHEATING EVER ACCEPTABLE?
I thought for .004 seconds.
I don’t care what your baby fava did to you while you were pregnant with the third child he’s had with you (out of wedlock, no less), what does that have to do with me? I’ve never cheated on any woman I’ve ever been with. Never plan to, either. It isn’t even really that hard, especially when I even agree to go there with her because she’s worth (at least in my deceived mind) focusing my entire attention and all of my spiritual, physical, emotional and mental (after God) energy on her. In all the instances where I’ve been in semi-serious relationships (never really been exclusively committed and seemingly on track for marriage — which is sad at nearly 33 years of age and actually not a commitment-phobe), never once have even emotionally or mentally cheated. No, I’m not perfect. Not at all, far from it. But with the foundation that my father set, plus the way that I was raised in the model of Christ (even if I fail at it miserably on some days erstwhile), the sanctity of marriage — and the road towards it — has always been something that I did not tamper with.
Oh sure, I’ve had chicks who said they didn’t have boyfriends, tell me AFTER the fact that they indeed did. Fair game, I’m fornicating, not the time for me to try to get on my high horse and preach the sermon on the mount.
Same thing with the couple of chicks who were (technically) married. One was only married because she was unwilling to do the final paperwork. The other… I dunno. But she had been cheated on by her husband voraciously for quite some time before they finally parted ways. Little did I know what I had gotten myself into.
IT’S ALL A NUMBERS GAME: POINT SHAVING.
Chicks lie low, dudes lie high.
So many chicks will tell you, “I’ve only been with 6 guys my entire life”. After you’ve been with her for a few months and see how she acts, and begin to put together the numbers of guys who she’s had a mysterious falling out with — and abruptly stopped talking to, “coincidentally” when she’s found someone else to play the abused ex-wife game with — you realize 6 is more like 26. See, we all know a good number of women have this fixation on doing whatever it takes to avoid ANY perception of being a whore. That’s fine. That’s fine. That’s fine. That’s fine. THAT’S FINE. But if you’re doing whorish things, then don’t try to shave points like Shevin Smith and expect people to think you’re virginal. Particularly when you do x, y AND z like a pro of 10+ years.
One thing I cannot stand is being lied to. I’m one of the last few faithful men remaining and that’s all I’ve gotten for the better part of my adult life. Only two women were truthful and candid with me. TWO. Through 10 years of dating in my 20s. TWO. One was divorced (officially), had her tubes tied and three kids. I never sold her dreams, she just thought I still wanted to beat after eight years, three kids, two muffins around the waist and a worn face. For whatever reason, she really thought I was going to legitimately wife her, but she was sadly mistaken.
The other was a flat out whore and didn’t care who knew it. We were cool for years, but I never touched her, especially since I knew before even involving myself with her, that she had bopped off four dudes that I was cool with. Can’t wife a chick who has hit off my boys, nor even catch feelings with her. But she did come through in the clutch on some business things, which is why we were cool otherwise.
Outside of those two, EVERY. SINGLE. CHICK I’ve dealt with has been a lying, conniving, bitter, scorned liar. I don’t count the instances where it was just some smashing thing and that’s all, but the ones where I made it clear that I was feeling them and was interested in working to see if things would work out. I ain’t no simp, never will be one, so you can’t play my face on any of these instances, but 2011 was a year of refocusing. I refuse to waste anymore time. After being taken for a ride last year — literally and figuratively — I realized I had to shift the way I was doing things quickly; if I was ever going to break that cycle. For someone who has never cheated and doesn’t sell dreams nor mislead chicks, there has been more than my fair share of bullshit, and it’s time to put an end to it.
Or so I thought.
This year did not begin well. I had three chicks within five months come at me. One blatantly said to my face that she wanted to bone from the first time she saw me enter the room that we happened to share in this particular establishment. Okay, her intentions were clear. She had the cakey cake. Consider yourself smashed. One, two, three, four. Move on. No harm done, no dreams sold, no games played. Although she tried, it was quickly squashed and I have the utmost respect for her to this day, even though it is a long shot to ever salvage any real respect or friendship out of situations like that.
The other was the product of my last few weed-smoking days and some heavy drinking late in 2010. She was suspect from day one and I am just glad to come out of that unscathed. The last was a bit of a mutual infatuation of sorts. One time deal, still friends and no one outside of the situation knows that the other did anything with the other.
I don’t mind being candid, nothing anyone can ever do with regards to trying to use what I say here against me, so I let it fly.
I could have easily become a dog, if I weren’t already rooted in who I was for years beforehand. I probably was the closest to being “in love” as I ever had been in 2010. To find out I had been duped, was being cheated on (never let on, even if I caught her lying on a half dozen occasions, including one instance that would lead to someone becoming dangerously violent if they truly knew what the other was doing), then made out to be the villain, when the only thing I was guilty of was believing the affront and the representative that I had met back in February that year… well, that would ordinarily be enough to send most men over the edge. Just when I needed her most, and was finally out of my destitute state last year, she immediately drops me — after having this “premonition” (which was later revealed to be the fact she was smashing him for a while before we broke off) about so and so guy entering her life. Not realizing I actually saw her a few weeks ago with said guy, that was closure for me.
Yet and still, I did not go on a serial smashing spree. I went back to being just me, and voluntarily celibacy for nearly five months. It’s not ALL that difficult for me, because just like the act of sexual lovemaking, most of the moment is mental anyway. Such is the case with voluntary abstinence (God knows it’s voluntary when I know I have a good number of chicks ready and willing should I ever become less than the integrity version of myself and bug out). Again, I never put anyone’s business on Facebook and certainly not going to cock block myself. But at this point in time, especially with my abhorrent dating experiences, now, more than ever, I just do not see any benefit to cheating.
BESIDES, WHATSOEVER A MAN SOWS, HE WILL ALSO REAP.
No need to keep the merry go round going by spitefully cheating on a chick because she cheated on me, or perpetuating it further down the line. The key thing for me is to sever SOUL TIES with past women, forgive, and move on. There’s no way God bless me (or anyone dealing with the same) if you’re still hitching your wagon to all that baggage. It’s not fair to the person that God WOULD bless you with. Besides, when you fathom how great a fit the right person will be for you, the person(s) who did you wrong pale in comparison, and you should be all too eager to put them in the rear view mirror quickly. I certainly decided to close the book shut once and for all on October 6, 2011. After going through mail and papers from 2010, I realized there was a letter that the last one had written me in March 2010, for my birthday. The way she went all out celebrating my birthday, you would have thought she was The One. I got sold dreams that time. Color me played, whatever you wanna say, I will admit it. No one had ever treated me that well before, and I was just beginning to fall for what turned out to be a summer full of BULLSHIT.
And the thing was, most of it was precipitated because she had been cheated on rampantly. Not because I had cheated on her.
Nevertheless, I’m not bitter, I’ve moved on, those experiences have made me stronger and I have no regrets. That life was fun, but I have no desire to waste any more time with anyone who wants anything less than a healthy, God-blessed marriage, and building a healthy family and continuing the great legacy that I am a part of. Yes, I’d be less than authentic if I said there weren’t days that I just flat out wanted to smash about four of the chicks that offer me the opportunity to do so, but I refuse to live the life of a hypocrite. There’s absolutely nothing worth looking back for in the Meat Market that is Single Life. I’ve had my fun, thankfully made it out alive and healthy, but ultimately, when a man matures and places his priorities in order, he realizes:
1. Pleasing one woman fully is more important than (continuing to) try to hit off 5 different chicks in one week like college days.
2. Being a great husband is the highest title a man can have.
3. Being a great father is equally highest.
4. Family means more than a piece of ass, fame, fortune or status, nor the accolades of dudes on the corner or video vixens who immediately vanish when the money and lights are gone. Ask Teddy Pendergrass post-paralysis.
Bottom line, there are more important things in life than what many people deem to be so exhilarating. I won’t ever knock, nor condemn anyone for their lifestyle, but as for me, I know what my calling is, and I’m ready to get to it, unencumbered from now on.
This hereby serves any of my (real) friends’ card for holding me accountable whenever they see me acting out of alignment in the future, because I challenge my friends to truly check me at my word and admonish me when they see me not walking therein.