OMW: My Journey With Women
… has been an interesting, yet never DULL one.
I’ve gone from being highly superficial, hollow, chauvinistic (although that is not me at my core, and I was only being that way because it worked to my advantage — for the OG’s out there) to understanding women’s full purpose in this world, both from their intrinsic purpose and design, and their purpose as relates to men (specifically in relationships). And now I am full circle, respecting women as God commands.
SIDE NOTE: You cannot be like teenage kids, who literally try to live out the lyrics of songs, thinking that because I listen to certain artists, that it is an exhibition of how I treat women. Music is entertainment to me, not a precursor to actions in my life, unless I intentionally make it such.
I have been a guy who was rooted early on, however. MY parents will have been married for 32 years in December, and growing up, their marriage was what came first and foremost in terms of “examples” being set for me. While the standard thing (particularly in the Black and Hispanic communities that I have my closest ties with) is for men to either only be married in name only, and philander around with other women, my father was always there, and that example is what led me to wanting to marry young.
GLAD I DIDN’T, IN RETROSPECT.
Too many guys have this “I wanna see what I was missing out on all these years” mid-life crises when they hit 27 and look up, realizing they spent their lives since age 18, 19 married to a girl he really didn’t even love, and sometimes raising children in the process. He has single buddies who are living a life that he becomes more and more envious of.
I look back, and I have a deeper appreciation for what I did and DIDN’T experience. I left a LOT of “ass” on the table at LIU and UNCG, but, as my life’s track record shows, I will take some risks, and go to a certain point, but I was never that guy who, when I knew I was out of line, would push the boundary too far.
In short, I never became a full-fledged scumbag, sleeping around with a different chick every 5-7 days (which realistically could have happened for me with ease at Aetna and UNCG, no exaggeration). I had more than my fair share, but even that presented me with a lot of headaches I’d rather avoid in the future.
NEVER SAY NEVER.
I hear people say all the time what constitutes a “deal breaker” for them, as relates to who they would or wouldn’t consider dating seriously, or eventually marrying. Some people are averse to “interracial” dating/marriage. Some people have their druthers about big/fat, too skinny, no ass vs. must-have-a-donk, even hang-ups such as hair length/texture, skin complexion, nose size, whether or not she has nice feet or if she smokes/drinks/has children or not. I was definitely hung up on the children thing for YEARS. And to this day, I don’t quite know why. It was definitely revolving around warped thinking that emanated from some sick, twisted teaching in church, I’m sure, but as I got into my 20s, I got off that.
The problem was, I went in the complete other direction without realizing it.
From 2005-2010, all but three of the women I dated/smashed/considered committing to didn’t have children. Maybe the maturity factor played a role, as women (typically, not ALWAYS) with children TEND to be a bit more responsible and less reckless than women without. Although my friends who have worked for ACS and other child services agencies can certainly attest to recklessness amongst mothers ABOUND.
After spending 2000-2004 mostly carousing around with non-committal slags who were, in some cases, smashing every dude that worked in the office, I gave up pursuing the 9s and 10s and supermodel/celebrity look-alikes (God knows I went through nearly a dozen of them in that time frame, and nothing good ever came out of it.
LOOKS ARE VASTLY OVERRATED AT TIMES.
That is not to suggest that looks do not matter. You will never hear me espouse that line of thinking, and why would I? Only ugly people want you to believe that.
At any rate, I intentionally went for a chick who was only a 5 or a 6, but was smart as I was. Initially, we clicked, but I failed to realize that, because she was young and impressionable, that she was mostly after me because of my gear, my whip at the time (350Z) and looks, rather than intellect. Sure, we had a host of profound discussions that were fruitful, but the majority of her focus was on what she could get me to buy for her and mostly material-oriented things. Things went south quickly, as I was forced to sell my car and began the financial plunge that I am only now rising from, five years later. As the material things went away gradually, there was a sliding scale commensurately with how (less) frequently I saw her. Eventually, she began cheating on me and before I knew it, she was engaged to be married. C’est la vie, que será, que será and all that jazz.
For years previously, I was addicted to brown sugar. Not the old strain of weed, but the complexion… on a woman. I never favoured light skin over dark skin, and I never held the perception that dark skinned women were ugly. Hell, ugly is ugly. PERIOD. And I know just as many light skinned UGLY ASS WOMEN as I do dark and everything in between. Nevertheless, the manipulative ploy that some women use, “Oh, you should be going after someone who looks like your mother, so why you like them???” (usually hurled at me from unattractive, low self-esteem dark skinned chicks — which was sad, not because of their complexion but because they bought into the lies about them, which I never have perpetrated) All while not realizing that my mother was lighter than light for the longest time when I was growing up. It shouldn’t be able that anyway. However, I love hearing the manipulative things that women think up when they feel there is a trend taking place that doesn’t favour them, as relates to men’s supposed tastes in women.
I lost count years ago, but that’s not to suggest that I was some sort of playboy or anything (maybe it was the gear, the car, the cocky attitude that caused chicks to believe it, but I have never been anything of the sort), however I was a magnet for chicks for a few reasons. Many of my true female (truly platonic) friends have told me that they perceived me as “arrogant”, “aloof”, “distant”, “flashy” and any other negative superlative that people use when they feel insecure around someone. I’m anything but those things, and my real female friends — that is, those who don’t cockblock, become strangers/act brand new when they got a man, and will tell me the truth without sparing my feelings — have all said the same things as they came to know me: smart, compassionate, articulate, caring, willing to go the extra mile or out of my way to help people, always willing to share, etc. etc. etc.
I feel honored to have, albeit very few now that I am in my 30s, female friends like that. But again, those numbers have dwindled sharply, as many posed as friends, but were cockblocking, stabbing me in the back or were secretly trying to get with me, even though they had a man. Worse than that, they go home and kiss they husband… shit’s disgusting…
However, I was never brought up to hold one “race” in higher esteem than any other, nor the converse (that is, putting Black women of any hue, DOWN — contrary to allegations hurled by a few in the past). But after thinking about this a great deal recently, I realized that the following trends have been true — apart from the ongoing trend of always attracting women with children, which I would kind of like to break (no offense):1. I’ve never dated a White woman.
Hasn’t been intentional, nor by design. And as my track record proves, I don’t place any “race” nor “ethnicity” in higher esteem than any other, although I have my inclinations, like everyone else does. I have nothing against White women, and certainly would date/marry one, but for whatever reason, we have never clicked beyond conversation and academia, where we are typically peas in a pod.
God KNOWS I never deal with trailer trash and wannabe ghetto types.
2. I am not color-struck, but I am honest about what I like.
Truthfully, I ditched the whole “type” thing a couple of years ago. When you’re in your 30s and realize your mortality and how so many things that people deem as important in life are vain pursuits, you begin to value things at their intrinsic cores even more than ever. As such, WHAT IS COMPLEXION? For someone who didn’t take the bait of “European Standard of Beauty” and swallow the hook, line and sinker, my perspective is different than a teenager who is impressionable and influenced by what they see on TV or hear from ignoramuses on the block in their neighborhood. When I was entering my teens, Salli Richardson piqued my interest. For the remainder of my teens and 20s, that’s just the look I liked, phenotype, complexion, sultry eyes, etc. etc. etc. Did I go for women outside of that mold? OF COURSE. As a matter of fact, most of the women I have dated have looked nothing like Salli.
The one who did was the biggest whore at Aetna and I regret wasting even two minutes of the 2 1/2 years that I can’t get back by even giving her the time of day. She’d get mushed if I saw her today, like Jay-Z did that chick backstage (probably at the Hard Knock Life concert that I went to at the time lmao) a few years back.
Anyway, I don’t talk about my sexual relations on Facebook. Keep guessing and making up rumors. I don’t tell. However, demographically, I can at least attest that I’ve only had sex with one White woman. And that was just this year. I’m not going to get into numbers, but the majority of the rest were Latina of some origin (Puerto Rican, Dominican, Cuban, Venezuelan, Ecuadorian, Chilean and Honduran), or one of those and mixed with Black or White, and then the small handful of Black women.
At the end of the day, after nearly checking off the entire tick sheet for the Caribbean, none of the BS that you hear about women being different matters. Either they are worthwhile, or they’re not. Black, White, Latina, Asian, what have you.
At age 32, if she doesn’t have a plan, like Cam said, whether she’s 21, 28, 32, 38 or 45, I’m not trying to hear anything she’s got to say. She can have all the education in the world, but if her only plan is to brag about said education and whatever job she can yield from it, then I’m not going to care. One of the women who treated me the best didn’t even have a college education when I was seeing her, and barely completed high school (GED, I believe). She had only begun going to college when we began “talking”. It really does not matter. You just learn to appreciate the commonalities and the shared values that you two possess and build upon that.
All but two of the women I’ve dated professed to be Christian or Catholic. I couldn’t tell. That certainly made me jaded for years and was part of the reason I stopped participating in anything church-related beyond ministering the Word myself to others and cell groups. Dealing with churched AND unchurched “spiritual, but not religious” types is enough to make me want to quit trying every day. If I hear “WUN MOE” chick say that she doesn’t have to go to church to be holy (sheeeeeeeeeeeit, I haven’t been to church in 4 years, that’s not my focus, but I perceive other deep seeded issues from the ones who express this), I’m gonna lose it.
I’m at a crossroads now. I’ve had some mind blowing offers from chicks just this past summer alone. I’ve been on a self-imposed hiatus because I am not in a conducive living situation right now. But once I move in three weeks, the opportunities are plentiful. I don’t want to go back to that life, though. After 25, “a nut is just a nut”. And that’s that. There has to be a purpose and a plan to everything I do, because every breath is precious and time speeds up the older you get. I hate hearing people who are 40, 45, 50 years of age always complaining about what they shoulda, woulda, coulda done when they were my age.
AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT WOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA:
I want to make sure I get it right the first and ONLY TIME. I am removing the boundaries, I’m not saying “never” or “I refuse to” (beyond compromising my faith and what is central to me) as relates to this whole thing. I feel as though I have ruled out a lot of different women of other ethnicities and certainly, once you’ve been doing something for 15 years, you begin to reflect upon your past experiences, especially if nothing has changed in this particular regard. I’m open to making changes, and, as always, taking applications, or filling out my own (with references), but in order to achieve different results, you have to break from your comfort zone. With that, I say that while Black and Spanish women have always held me down, not a single one was committed to building a relationship that would lead to marriage, so you gotta go where the interests are mutual. I am big on communication in every facet, and as a major tenet for a healthy relationship, you have to value the same. That is NOT to suggest that the aforementioned groups of women do not do this, just the ones I’VE been with — mostly didn’t, and the ones who did, were commitment-phobes. I felt compelled to put that disclaimer there for someone who would inevitably cry “foul”.
… that’s all this is about, I am not going through any mid-life crisis.