Cuffin Season: What to Watch For


Cuffin Season: What to Watch For

M.D. Wright

9.9.2011

 

Ahhhh… good ol’ cuffin season, where gold diggers, simps and faux “Independent” women thrive and real ninjas and respectable ladies can’t ever seem to catch a break. Clutch your watches, tuck in your chain, hide your wallet, because they rapin’ ninjas’ bank accounts from here on in, people!!!

 

Now, knowing me, you know that I have nothing against healthy relationships, love and what have you. I’m getting up there in age; the things that appealed to be 10 years ago do not appeal to me at all now (and I was a rather conservative and reserved guy even when I was 22). I do have a modicum of class, dignity and having grown up rather sheltered and a prim and proper dude (only loosening up in my mid-late 20s), I tend to have old-fashioned values and sensibilities. However, this whole Cuffin Season phenomenon that has exploded over the past decade grinds my gears a bit.

 

WHAT IS “CUFFIN SEASON”?

The actions that many partake in during “Cuffin Season” are not new. To be sure, as certain as the seasons change quarterly here in the northeast, there has always been a shift in peoples actions with respect to potential persons of interest (regardless of motive). Nowadays people are more conscious of  the whole phenomenon than ever.

 

Cuffin Season is the period where summertime ends, those first few crispy chilled mornings rear their beautiful heads (excellent sleeping weather, I might add, cuffin’ or not), through winter and the first full week of proper semi-summer attire.

 

CUFFIN SEASON VARIES BY LOCALE.

In places such as Florida, extreme south Texas, parts of Arizona and parts of California, there is no real discernible difference in seasons, beyond the amount of precipitation and a few degrees difference here and there. The only difference for them is the amount of daylight in the fall/winter versus spring and burgeoning summertime.

 

In the Carolinas, especially around college towns, CUFFIN SEASON IS YEAR-ROUND. Some of those cats get married out of high school with no life experience, or cuff the first person that smiles at them in Intro to Psych 121 class, and don’t ever partake of the fruits of campus living, which is an embarrassment to Western Civilization.

 

Here in the northeast, we have a more traditional change in seasons, even if Spring only lasts for about a month, and we typically go from 40 and overcast to 79 and humid within a month. Same thing with the Fall, although there is a discernible difference in the air from Labor Day until it officially reaches brick status in late November.

 

Personally speaking, cuffin season begins when the unofficial official end of Summer occurs around Labor Day Weekend and lasts until spaghetti strap dresses, flip flops and shorts are universally worn for more than a week — which for us is about Mother’s Day. Fittingly.

 

WHAT HAPPENS DURING CUFFIN SEASON

Some chicks become friendlier than they they during the summer, when (if they had the body for it, almost regardless of how pretty or haggard the face) they could pull a guy by merely stepping out of the house. When you sportin’ a turtleneck and a Helly Hansen bubble, NOT SO MUCH. Like Jay-Z once said “and no matter the weather” (fine chicks’a) “draw heat”. Average to homely or flat out ugly chicks know they have to throw on a bit of charm and put the sluttitudes and body tricks to rest if they expect to be able to compete with the good looking women for the wares of a dude’s wallet.

 

*Note: I DO NOT USE SUPERLATIVES SUCH AS “ALL, NEVER”, ETC. WHEN ADDRESSING A GROUP, SO SPARE ME THE “Uh uhhh, not me, nor any of my frinnnnnnnnzzzzzzzzz, boy!” MESSAGES.

 

With a plethora of holidays, people even making Election Day and Veteran’s Day as occasions to “buy flowizzz and chawwwwwwwwclate” and take your (newfound) lady on a date. That goes along with having to take her out the days immediately before and after Thanksgiving, or better yet, if you spend Thanksgiving with her and her family. That also goes along with Christmas, New Year’s and the ULTIMATE CUFFIN TRAP, Valentine’s Day. Extra points if her birthday falls between Sept. 15 and May 15. You’re going to have to empty your 401(k).

 

… UNLESS YOU A LIVE NINJA.

 

HOW TO AVOID BEING CUFFED BY A SERIAL CUFFER.

If she wasn’t trying to be monogamous with you during the summer and all of a sudden she’s extra nice, LOOK OUT.

 

If he refuses to do anything but play video games, drive your car, eat your food, isn’t going to school, isn’t trying to find a job (if he doesn’t have one) and suddenly  he wants to start selling you dreams about being together, LOOK OUT.

 

It’s not so easy to say, “If he/she wasn’t with me during the summer, I can’t trust ’em now that it’s cuffin season”. Sure, most sane adults want someone to cuddle and snug next to on those cold nights. Anyone who says they don’t is lying and/or bitter.

 

However, you have to discern the person’s motives, even if you just met them randomly in September or October (beware, a chick may come seemingly out of the woodwork now that it is cooling off, and you may not have seen her before, but she has been ogling you since that Lunar Eclipse, waiting for the right time to pounce). If all they talk about is going out, what you’re going to buy them, or “Oooooooh Arah Kellay is giving a show tonight and then Trey Songz the week after that, I lurve bofe’a dem! TAKE ME!!!”

 

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.

 

Nothing wrong with entering into a relationship this time of year, on one accord and wanting the same things with no ulterior motives. Sheeeeeeit, I  hope to, once I am finally able to move and re-establish privacy (not going back to the Wild Bachelor days, I’m settled now). But some people have no scruples nor qualms whatsoever when it comes to being an annual, serial cuffer.

 

Worst part about Cuffin Season? The time when the season ends and you FINALLY think you got that good one to play for keeps, and you find out you got… GOT! You wake up in mid-June and realized it was all a dream like Biggie. It’s hard to tell the difference between a cuffer and someone you play for keeps until the summertime rolls around. Keep your eyes and ears open.

 

EVEN IF SHE “GOT HER OWN”, LOOK OUT!

 

Don’t say I didn’t forewarn you, the season is UPON US NOW, YOUNG KNAVE.

 

 

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