“Top” 5 Douchiest Colleges in America

“Top” 5 Douchiest Colleges in America

M.D. Wright



Everyone knows that classic douche — the person (male or female) who goes on incessantly about their college or university, the school’s academic reputation, the school’s athletics, the level of prestige, (biased) rankings in meaningless publications and the veritable Who’s Who of alumni and guest speakers at commencement. Ho-hum. I’m gonna rank ’em for you right here.


And yes, I know at least one to as many as dozens of people from each school I’m listing.


SIDE NOTE: This is all in fun, no need for hate mail and 50 1,100 YouTube clips of how Team A beat Team B in a nondescript game back in 1988, when no one outside of the supporters of either schools knows/cares.


1. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY (New York, New York).


The thing about schools and their student body is that a loud or highly visible minority can ruin (or as some Columbia students would enunciate it: “ROO-EEEN”) the game for everyone else who attends the school. Columbia students come from hither and afar (although rarely will you see someone from Harlem enter the “Ivory Towers” unless they’re on scholarship, which adds a personal bone to the mix).


Add to the fact that the school literally sits upon a hill and overlooks Harlem…



…all while overtaking vast amount of buildings and land in “Imminent Domain” takeover fashion, and there’s no wonder why people like this:



Make Columbia look bad.


Many students come from wealthy households, which I have no problem with, but a good number come from modest to average means and acquire this elitist, holier-than-thou mentality the minute they get off the 1 line at 116th & Broadway for the first time. If you’re on financial aid and didn’t go to the “right” … no, scratch that “Proper” boarding school, you’ll feel more inferior than Ryan McGurgan at a track meet.


Hell, I feel like a snob just walking through the brick road from Broadway over to Amsterdam Avenue. Imagine going there for 4-5 years AFTER entering the school with that mindset already emblazoned in your mind ha. If you work with someone from Columbia, do not get into a discussion about prestige and rankings, just have them mention someone who did something relevant to the lives of the “rest of us” (i.e. sports and actual listenable music — because there are those who have their little bands and even secure record deals, but that doesn’t mean they’re great), that will really shut them up.


Oh, and Lou Gehrig is off limits, because he’s been dead 70 years and ye hardly knew him.


I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to go there, because I would. And MAY. But I pledge to leave there wholesome and even-keeled as I am now with only an “above average on the prestige scale” education thus far.


2. HARVARD UNIVERSITY (Cambridge, Massachusetts).




You don’t even need to know the story behind the parties involved in this picture to know that you’re likely to run across someone from Harvard who acts the exact same way they did/do.


And if you need more evidence, just watch “The Social Network”.


3. UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME (South Bend, Indiana).


Good ol’ Notre Dame (or as lazy people pronounce it, “Noter Dame”). Notre Dame is actually a pretty good school, although there seems not to be a day that passes where they are not embroiled in scandal. Some level of impropriety with their athletics programme (which has its own television contract with NBC — something that every alumnus or current student will remind you of at any moment), cover-ups with rape and academic cheating allegations…


… and the rampant moralizing — are enough to turn you off from most Notre Dame people. It’s as if they are issued an edict to memorize the various mottoes and slogans for the school, because many ND grads will bombard you with them at the most random and non-congruent moments.




Never talk about Notre Dame football with a ND grad/apologist, you’ll hear more Knute Rockne, Joe Montana, Raghib Ismail and “Rudy” stories than your ears can bear to digest.





Boy, do they stick together, and stick it TO YOU in the process. They have decent academics (not as great as some of their alumni would lead you to believe), but they really hang their hat on the Who’s Who in celebrities, professional athletes and other power brokers. You say, “Well, why wouldn’t they? That’s part of the essence of going to such a school, right?” And you would be partially correct.


If you only attend such a school so that you can have the right to do so, however — well… you’re a douche.


And just in case you don’t have the (dis)pleasure of running into an overzealous UCLA Grad, I present to you:


Mr. William Theodore (Bill) Walton III. Proud UCLA alumnus, who will never resist the chance to remind you of how his Bruins basketball team once won 88 games in a row and back to back national championships, and how John Wooden was basically Christ to him (although Wooden was a great man and I do quote him frequently), and worse yet:


(in that dullardly tone of his) “(insert the most obscure basketball player in UCLA’s history here) ______ _______, the YEW-SHEE-EL-AYE LEGENDDDDDDDDDDD-UH!!!”


Calm down, Bill, not everyone who graced UCLA’s campus is a LEGEND. No wonder no one on NBA broadcasts wants to work with him anymore.


5. UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA (Gainesville, Florida).


Expecting Duke, USC, Princeton or Carolina, here, huh? Well, not really. Those are typically  understood to be full of douches (more on each of those schools, and more, later), but UF is a study in novelty.


See, the only thing UF had going for it prior to the 1990s was its warm climate and decent-looking co-ed students. The academics are very good, but athletically, their student body could only brag that Cris Collinsworth and Emmitt Smith played football there. They had never (in recent history) won anything of consequence. But following the Gators (their athletic mascot) defeat of Florida State’s Seminoles in the 1996 National Championship Game, and two more titles in the 2000s, well, their student body now consists of a heavily douchy population.








SMH. People down there worship that guy and he’s barely a 3rd string QB in the NFL. He only even got drafted off the Gator Fan Worship.


Never mind that UF is good for medicine, journalism and other fields, all you hear from UF grads and current students is how “great” Tim Tebow is. It is enough to make you vomit on demand.





Their “student-athletes” make more money than most professional athletes, while being paid to attend the school and play (mostly football) there. Administration knows it, most students know it, and all look the other way. They’ll never let you forget how many Heisman Trophy Candidates played there, or how many nobody-turned-Hollywood Celebrities who went there.


DUKE UNIVERSITY (Durham, North Carolina).

Harvard of the South, and in all the negative ways you can imagine.



If you’ve ever seen a smug hick or smug hood rat who’s actually book smart and can play sports reasonably well — then you’ve got your typical UNC athletics/booster/fan.


UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA (Tuscaloosa, Alabama).

For a school that isn’t known for much academically, you’d sure think that football mattered more than medicine, law, I dunno, basically proper English, but hey… everyone’s values are different regionally-speaking, I guess?



Everything about that school reeks of average, but purported to be top shelf. Including Mike Tirico (I just got heartburn).



If, for no other reason than their student body is loyal to a nut that falls from a tree (a million ways to go with that one) and that they have literally gotten into PHYSICAL FIGHTS if someone failed to leave off “THE” in the school’s title.



Breeding today’s Hipsters/Wannabes/Posers/Suburbanites Who Try Too Hard to Be Thugs — who are ruining New York City and the fibre of its being since 1992. If you feel your stomach bubbling whenever you see people in Starbuck’s screaming for attention, writing a “movie script for a major studio” and just dying to be seen with hobo attire and $1,000 rags which look no better than most bums who beg for change… well, that’s your typical NYU student nowadays.


Before then, NYU was actually great in every facet. But you didn’t hear that from me.



If you have a problem with these rankings, hey…


Otherwise, FEEL FREE to add other schools and personal stories.


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