People Enter Into Relationships & Marriages For All The Wrong Reasons
People Enter Into Relationships & Marriages For All The Wrong Reasons. EVERY DAY. Why? Sometimes I understand their motives. Sometimes they are asinine and beyond comprehension. It just makes me wonder if people even know what “Love” is to begin with. Given that is the foundation and groundwork for a “healthy” relationship, why not start there by defining what love is.
— Love is patient.
— Love is kind.
— It does not envy.
— It does not boast.
— It is not proud.
— It does not dishonor others.
— It is not self-seeking.
— It is not easily angered.
— It keeps no record of wrongs.
— Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
— It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Think on that for a second.
How many of your past (or current) relationships, or those relationships and marriages of yours, your friends and relatives mirror those. How many of them are happy and productive as a team? How many of them are divorced? I ask the tough questions, and if it opens a still-healing wound, then I apologize. But we are here in search of the truth, as always.
That may appear to be a restrictive, rigid and “12 Step” list, but they are anything but. Those traits are liberating to both the person from which the traits emanate and the person to whom they are projecting them. The beautiful part of Love is that fulfilling those qualities (again, in a HEALTHY setting) inspires the loved one to reciprocate to the lover. I don’t think I need to clarify that “lover” in this instance simply refers to the “person living/demonstrating love” and not “that person who gives you back shots/that person you receive back shots from when you got that itch”.
I watch people. It is what I do. My undergraduate discipline conditioned me for it, and quite frankly, it is something that cannot be undone. Too bad for you out there, because I read your statuses (97.6% of them being complaints as they are ha), notes, received text messages and watch how you interact not only with the person you are married to, dating, but how you work with your friends. It gives me pause as I constantly critique myself as I fail daily to walk in love at different instances during the day. I do not stand in condemnation or self-righteous judgment when I say these things, but the point is flat out:
How do I know, you say? How would I know, if I’ve never been there, you ask? How can I know about “this thoing me and huh got”? or “I lurve me sum heeyim” without even knowing you personally, you propose? Well, when you understand human tendencies and Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you can be sure what peoples’ motivators are pretty easily by watching them for a bit.
Everything is all good when he’s got a decent job, making good money, his education is opening doors for him or his business is flourishing. You’re on top of the world because he’s 6’3″, 225 and 4% body fat with movie star looks and “puts you to sleep” every night.
— But what if he falls at work and is rendered paraplegic or quadriplegic?
— What if burns from a fire destroy his looks?
— What’s going to happen when he loses the job and income and you lose out on the lavish ways that he expressed that he loved you previously? When he has to sell the car in order to keep a roof over your heads?
— What happens if an accident or illness renders him permanent impotent (pause)?
I ask, because I’ve seen people on both sides of each of these scenarios. The afflicted one loses out on someone who professed they loved the other; only to have them leave (sometimes immediately, sometimes gradually inching away) once the main reasons they got with the person were no longer tangible to them.
This cat I know, he asks a lot of these questions on his status seemingly every day. One of them was about this thing about someone being left physically impaired and the question was posed what would someone do if they were faced with staying with someone who ended up that way? Everyone likes to say the politically correct thing, or the selfish “of course I’d stay” thing, which usually means they’ll say that now, but when TRULY faced with that situation, they’re usually running free like Lamarr Woodley did against ol’ Andre Smith vs. the Bengals in Week 9. I have found that people who persevere through tough trials AGONIZE over the decision, really conducting inventory on themselves, reassessing their motives and doing what is called a “Cost Benefit Analysis” of sorts. It may appear tacky to relate Business & Finance to relationships, but they are impossible to separate. Even the most compassionate and caring person who eventually does stick by a person like that finds it difficult unless…
THEY GOT WITH THE PERSON FOR THE RIGHT REASONS TO BEGIN WITH.
See, I have a big problem with people making vows before God and breaking them before the saliva dries off the face of the person officiating the marriage. Why make vows if, when faced with the daily scenarios that require the USE of said vows, you break them every single time? I saw so much of it when I was younger and working for a “major insurance company”. I could’ve gotten laid or at least gotten neck from a different chick every day for a year straight at that place if I didn’t value marriage and (allegedly) committed relationships the way that I do. Oh, please believe I was tempted, but I was even more rigid and prudent then than I am now, and I still could not fathom it.
* It should be pointed out here that separated-while-not-divorced on PAPER situations are a bit different.
But why promise to love, honor, obey and cherish your wife if you’re going to beat her every time you come home stressed out about life? She’s there to support you, comfort you and provide you prudent, honest but wise perspective in those situations — if she’s worth marrying in the first place. How can you turn and mistreat her in that way?
How can men abuse the whole “submission” thing to the point where they believe the act of “submitting” involves bowing before someone like a King of Ancient Rome and acting like a soulless/mindless drone to act on his every beckon and call? In reality, SUBMISSION involves a woman submitting to her husband AND likewise the husband doing the same — being accountable to his wife. Not acting independently, as if the same principles do not apply to him. That’s not love. I SEE IT DAILY, AND FREQUENTLY, THOUGH.
Where is love in a long laundry list of physical hangups? This is an age-old issue and it is certainly not going away in the midst of this superficial, instant gratification, self-focused world we now live in. Love is noticeably absent the more “must haves” and “can’t deal withs” that people have on those lists. I speak from experience. I may be acerbic at times, prone to really lighting into people with my speech at times now that I am getting older, but I will definitely say that despite the fact that I am not a Church Whore (that is, someone who spends just as much time, if not more in the edifice than they do ANYPLACE ELSE during the week) and currently do not belong to any church, I walk in love more than I did when I was in there three days a week and two others for meetings and conferences. I believe a lot of these Rules & Regulations… this Policy, Procedure & Profit nonsense starts in church. People become so rigid because preachers elicit such a “Do & Don’t” sentiment and mindset from the parishioners. Everything becomes Black & White (in some instances, it should be — no doubt), but off the bat, that leads to a lot of “Checklists” where people end up passing several people every month — some who they know, some who are solely on the perimeter — that would be just right for them. But they are too hung up on their checklists to even know it.
We can discuss this notion about whether there is only ONE “Soul Mate”/Right person for you vs. Several people who could be right for you — ANOTHER TIME.
–Why do you date that chick?
— Why do you enter into relationships every 2-3 weeks?
— How is someone your boyfriend/girlfriend after a couple of dates?
— Why are you planning a wedding after two months (not to say that it is impossible, but PLEASE BELIEVE the people who successfully date/marry/live compatibly thereafter are OUTLIERS, not even the exception, MUCH LESS the rule).
Sometimes I think relationships and marriages are nothing more than what they are to Hollywood types, political families and the such like: BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS. And if that’s the case, why go through all the rigors of making vows, putting on fronts and all the time, energy and effort that is involved in maintaining the affront? Hang solo and have your selfish way without leading someone into a commitment and DEFINITELY before making vows to do this, that or the third — til death do you part.
I can’t fathom marrying a woman for money, but if I were caught on the wrong night and my inhibitions were gone — and she offered to buy me a new car if I slept with her? Hey, I’d at least be tempted ha. But committing to her or marrying her along that basis? NO FRIGGIN’ WAY. Cars, clothes, homes are nice, but I have dignity and I would like to love — not to be confused with SEX — ONE WOMAN and one woman only. Love (out of the three exhibitions of such, Eros, Filial and Agape) requires too much work to be tossed and bandied about as flippantly as we see and hear it supposedly demonstrated. How people try to be married to one person and claim that they love 3 or 4 people outside of their marriage is beyond me. THINK ABOUT THAT. Again, I’m not talking about sex, but LOVE. I can’t wrap my mind around it.
You want to be with him because he’s the star QB or the big time scorer for the basketball team? Why? Status? Recognition? Some sort of adrenaline rush?
You want to get with her SOLELY because she has a fat ass? Outside of the bedroom, what does that do for you? A woman is her ass and her ass alone ha?
Yes, there’s nothing wrong with wanting that, but I hear dudes ONLY focusing on that (insert instant co-signing by women with FLAT asses) and that alone. Sheesh, a lot of men want a good looking woman and one with a nice body, but what separates the committed men apart from those who limit themselves (notice I don’t make a value judgment that being all about looks and not ever wanting to commit nor marry is WRONG — something that makes a lot of women upset and gives cause to them alleging someone to be “shallow” when they are just exercising their right to be single and mingle) is that while wanting that killer body, they also want those basic things that every man wants at home:
3. GOOD-TO-GREAT SEX.
4. A WOMAN WITH A PLAN.
5. A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN*.
* – Couples who do not want children or cannot have children are excluded.
There’s so much more I can say here, but I’ll leave it open-ended so that dialogue can be encouraged. Feel free to add on from here.