Where I Am Right Now
***EDITOR’S NOTE: Updates — new series coming in April, will continue some of the previous series from 2009 and January/February 2010 later in the year as time permits.
Okay, so I have not written in quite some time. This year is flying by and I have had a whirlwind of a time the past six weeks. Not much of it is good news, however. Nevertheless, I try to remain optimistic and encourage myself daily (some days this requires every bit of strength that I have). I am also blessed to have people who pray the Word of God for my life — nothing more and nothing less.
I began this year with lofty goals. I wanted to get Uptown Media Group, LLC up and going, kosher with the IRS and the state of New York before the summer hit. I have gotten a great deal of the paperwork out of the way, but with everything else that I have going on, and very limited capital, I (unfortunately) cannot expend too much time and energy doing so. I look forward to the day (hopefully sooner rather than later) where I can focus on my business endeavors and stop trying to fit the square piece into the round hole — i.e. trying to be a 9-5 guy when that just isn’t me.
The plan right now academically is to begin at John Jay this summer, in June, and by the first weekend in June, be prepared to re-take the LSAT, so that I can try to begin 1L in September. Right now, a few major obstacles stand in my way: I still owe UNCG a few C’s and a couple of other major financial obligations that somewhat preclude me from moving forward with my education. Rather than sing a “woe is me” tune, I just push past it, keep hustling and continue to attempt to find ways to get in position to reach those goals.
Everyone knows I am sick of being on Staten Island. I don’t belong out here. My heart is in Harlem and I go back 2-3 times a week. Actually just came back from the block earlier today, after being in the Heights (Washington) to visit a friend and offer some kind words for an ailing relative of hers. I hadn’t seen her since the GOOD days at Aetna (i.e. before things really went sour in mid-2003). The sooner I am gainfully employed, the better (as much as I hate the idea of a 9-5, it is necessary for income right now, and the RIGHT POSITION will actually allow for personal growth, continue to solidify my knowledge base and provide a template/foundation for the large-scale plans I have beyond my academic career — itself being a lifelong/ongoing process, as I see myself being an academic “lifer”, if you will).
I have never been so humiliated and upset in my life, as I have since March of 2006. I have yet to figure out what the problem is. My resume on its own merits is enough to at least get a middle management position, regardless of the level of competition and living in New York, I have entered enough offices, know enough people on the inside of enough companies to know that many of these people aren’t employed on merit alone (if at all). One thing I am sick of is people attempting to dole out advice but aren’t and never have been in this position. If you have, that’s fine, I appreciate it, and generally those people aren’t the ones doing what I am about to say in the next statement — but if not, SHUT THE FUCK UP. All it does is get me tight and you’re not helping with your generic, hollow, empty rhetoric.
I need my own space. I feel like I can’t be myself. I can’t be organized, I can’t complain (because there’s always a voice trying to rebut EVERYTHING I have to say), I’m sick of being infantilized as if I’m not a nearly 31 year old man. Anyway, few things get me tight aside from people who always have to be right and feel like they’re the only ones who are allowed to know something. Are you dead ass? You don’t know everything, or else you’d be without financial issues, and there would be no problems whatsoever.
Let me move back into my main points.
I am dying to move. My social life is damn near ZERO because of where I am. It takes me forever to get to the places where my friends would hang out, and I have to act as if I’m a designated driver (if you will) whenever I want to have a good time, because the trek back is enough to sober me, even though I don’t drink to get shitfaced. I seriously hate the commute. I only came out here for what turned out to be a BS job, and ended up getting stuck here for almost a year now. It was never my plan to be here past August 2009. I think some of the employers in Manhattan (and elsewhere) see an SI address and automatically think it’s going to lead to repeated instances of lateness and calling out. That’s not my style, but I can’t say I fully blame them. Just another Price Is Right Fail Horn situation for me.
I am not perfect. I don’t purport myself to be. If anyone has a problem with my language or anger, TOUGH. Hit the road. As of March 2010, I’m back to being the old me, which means I don’t give a fuck what you think, what you have to say, fuck your feelings if you’re offended and stay the fuck outta my way if you’re not on my team trying to help. I don’t have time nor the energy to put up with bullshit and I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for games, nonsense and people trying to play my face. That goes for face-to-face/daily interaction or in the Social Networking world. You got one time to cross me, then you’re on my Shit List and it takes TONS of penance to get off that, if ever. Knowing those rules, play at your own risk. But those who know me know how I get down, you’re good bread unless you do those things. And let’s face it, if you do those things, you’re trying to be an ass anyway, so you get what you deserve — i.e. the Ryan Leaf Rant treatment and a nice vintage LaDainian Tomlinson-esque stiffarm henceforth and beyond.
Back to the job situation —
I’m not sure whether it is because of my situation with my stalled non-profit and other business endeavors, which landed me in a mountain of credit card debt, or the amount of money that I doled out to pay for school at UNCG out of pocket for 4 1/2 years (including selling literally EVERYTHING I owned — my $40,000 car, many electronics, my stock holdings, running up 1/4 of my credit balance paying off Long Island University in 2004, hospital bills dating back to when I broke my back in 2007, etc. etc. etc. or what — but I really believe between those things and the covert means of “racial” discrimination that takes place nowadays (it’s a different racism in New York than there is in the south, for instance) that is getting me the bad rap. I don’t even pull the race card unless it’s absolutely a viable practice, so you KNOW coming from me, there’s legs to this thing.
So how is it that I can go into a job (and those closest to me know, because I send out requisitions on a nearly daily basis, sometimes multiple times daily), receive offers for interviews thrice weekly on average for the past year alone (not to mention the fact I’ve been OD excavating looking for jobs since March 2006 — not JUST SINCE I graduated from UNCG), interview well, as I am well-spoken, quite articulate and speak (minus the cursing) just as I write in my blog — and still come away with nothing? Competition my ass. New York my ass. Oh, and by the way, people suggesting I leave NY? GTFOH.. are you dead ass? It would be MORE than starting over, because most anyplace else that I would go would necessitate me taking on another major expense (another car, for the short cheese bus riders) in order to continue wasting money getting to and from interviews. I recounted how much money I’ve spent since July going back and forth into Manhattan, occasionally Brooklyn, and parts of Jersey even — engaging in interviews and it is SOBERING. It makes me want to punch a hole in a wall just thinking about it. Every time I have yielded an interview from my resume and so forth, I go into it with a clean slate, no pessimism and as professional as I did with my first professional employment 12 years ago. No speaking ill of previous employers, no complaining — all professional, all the time. I’m courteous, express myself in the truest from (those who truly know me know that’s the only way I can be… transparent as Casper the Ghost), show that I’m not a robot, but rather the same person who emits verve and a sense of humor without compromising professionalism. I just can’t fathom what else it could be if it is not the things I’ve mentioned prior. Someone can offer me insight, if they have it — and not a bunch of BS suppositions that have long since been explored during this 4+ year journey.
You know? I wrote a lot about relationships in 2008. And I said then that I would stop trying to figure women out. It’s a fruitless exercise and leads you inevitably toward futility. The only thing I understand about women is that I don’t understand them. From now on, I’m citing the “U Right” skits from Boss Of All Bosses II and become another Al Bundy. Being a gentleman doesn’t work ha. Seriously, though — I am back to being the old me; that is, little to no pity for those women who are pretty much getting what they signed up for, whether they will acknowledge it or not. Dead ass. I will never understand how you can put up with something MAJORLY FOUL and make excuses for the treatment, stick around and keep coming back for more, but then make a mountain out of a molehill of nothingness — something that is beyond trivial — and make it seem like the Geneva Convention has been breached. DEAR GOD. Sure, men do it, but again, this is ME, trying to understand women so that —> I <—- can marry, not wanting to hear the requisite rebuttal from women complaining about men. This isn’t the forum for that, so save it.
But I really don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve never been a contentious person, and especially now that I am so focused on my money and getting my affairs in order, again, I have no tolerance and have no problems just walking away from situations just like Flea did in Killa Season after dude got at him about trying to get at his girl (if you haven’t seen the movie, go watch it — pure gold).
I see these things on a daily basis and I really can’t empathize nor sympathize anymore. I’m 30 years old and have dealt with nothing but bitches, hoes, slags, jumpoffs and no-class hoodrats over the past decade — the common denominator — they’re always on the hunt to hurt you before you can hurt them (even if you have no intent of doing so) and trying to trap you with words (PLAYING GAMES) so they can go “aha! I knew you were just like the rest of them, NEXT!” Fuck that shit. Save me the time and act like CeCe Peniston, only in reverse. I don’t care. C’est la vie.
You know what else? I’m going to continue to go IN on these “Miss Independent” types, as I speak for the general populace of men who are sick and fucking tired of this shit.
This whole thing about women was prompted by my past couple of years’ experiences. Follow me, if you will.
I am on the ave every day. I walk about 75-100 blocks per day between interviewing, running errands or just chilling someplace in midtown or on the block in Harlem World. You can spot “her” a mile away. And before I even hear it, NO, I’m not just calling out Black women who fit this mold, but they do comprise most of the guilty party as a whole. These chicks are something else, though. The vibe I get now in 2010 versus the one I used to get as late as 2005 is startling. I got attention, looks, interest, etc. from women all the time, because I was making good money, drove a nice car, wore flashy/classy clothes and well, being me, I am very expressive and don’t mind talking about a variety of different topics. I am Renaissance Man of sorts. But while none of that has changed, after sacrificing my ENTIRE LIFE and financial well-being to pay for college — something that should really be respected, more than criticized (especially since it hasn’t done any good to have done so — at least to this point), that vibe has changed. I notice how many of “them” will go out of their way to make sure you notice them rolling their eyes and turning away with their noses up. AND THAT’S WHEN I’M DRESSED PROFESSIONALLY walking down 5th Avenue. Christ Almighty forget about it if I’m just laid back in some A|X jeans and a plain top and Mikes.
Then if you ever have the (dis)pleasure of entering into conversation with them, everything is about their resume. Seriously. This is 2010. No one cares that you went to X school and have Y job and paid Z amount for your car, home, clothes, etc. I don’t run down that list, never did, never will when I get to my apex again, and I don’t want to hear it. At my age, those things are immaterial. And as my 20s proved, they can be VERY MUCH FLEETING, regardless of how many safeguards you put in place to prevent it from being so. Save your shit. I don’t care. If you’re not expressing qualities that can foster and cultivate a healthy RELATIONSHIP, then I really don’t care. Besides, if a man were to do those things, you know the only type of women who care are golddiggers looking for a Sugar Daddy. HONESTLY — and I want to hear from the ladies about this (to confirm what I already know) — when considering a guy in “that” regard, as long as he’s doing HIM, do you really care to hear about all of his accomplishments, status and how much he spends on X, Y, Z? No, I didn’t think so. Because if he’s a douche or a complete asshole, and you’re looking for a lasting relationship/marriage, none of those things has even a iota of significance in developing such a covenant. Let’s cut the bullshit and be honest here.
But I will say, on a daily basis, I get these looks a good dozen or so times. From a wide variety of women. And most of us can tell who’s unemployed, underemployed, a student, a drifter, a freelancer, a manager or a higher-up executive or what have you. It’s not fool-proof, but everything is about class in this city, and the savvy ones amongst us can tell — not so much by clothes, although they are an indicator — who’s who. And as I said, if I’m not dressed to the 9’s, FUHGETTABOUTIT.
However, I’ve been amused of late, though. Because I passed this chick just today, early over by The Rock (Rockefeller Plaza) as I was heading over to one of my spots to cop some Cloves. Young chick. probably mid-late 20s, Black, dressed very nicely. Obviously has a nice job. I can just get that vibe. I’m saying to myself — “that’s word???” and I get closer, look at her, and she goes out of her way to roll her eyes and looks the other way HARD (no homo). Now, I’m not the most attractive dude in the world, but seriously, WTF is that all about? That’s a very common occurrence. Whereas, I have noticed the women who aren’t on that Miss Independent trash come off completely affable and easily approachable. Hmmmm.
And they say that the Miss Independents of the world are unhappy. Well, hey, unless they actually want to be alone for the rest of their lives and happy with that, I can see WHY they are, and I have no pity for them. I don’t want to have anything to do with such a woman and refuse to patronize nor take part in any of the condescension. Seriously. You are my EQUAL, at best. And if not my equal, then less than that because of your arrogance and over-inflated sense of self-importance. This is what most men who are SECURE in who they are, and don’t care what a woman makes per annum and what side of Central Park she lives on — ALL THINK. I cannot speak for the Neanderthal Man or the pipsqueaks who have complexes about women moving ahead. Seriously, I couldn’t care less. I’m happy for anyone’s success. You can never call me a hater, because supreme confidence and jealousy do not mix. And I haven’t met a created human being who can knock my confidence. Those who know me know mine never wavers, despite all of the trials and tribulations I’ve endured over the past 5 years. But this whole “movement” has to stop. I’ve written in detail about how this relatively new phenomenon came about (and WHOSE jobs/academic opportunities are spared in order for these very women to be in the positions they’re in nowadays), but I shant go there. This is probably the biggest hindrance to Black Male/Black Female relationships. But that’s for the people who care about that dynamic to discuss. Personally, you already know I am not a piece of property or part of some tribe, so I’m not understanding where this “our men” sentiment comes from. No one has rights of first refusal to Black men, where they do that at ha???
With regards to my other plans, (on a lighter note), I always have a new hustle and always looking for ways to bring my past endeavors to fruition. I am looking to work with highly energetic, innovative and creative thinkers. Not just for Uptown Media Group, LLC (visit us and register at http://www.uptownmediagroup.webs.com), but for all of my ventures — AllOut Business Consulting, Inc., Solid Rock Collegiate Outreach, Inc. and the publishing/music production that will be coming back to the surface after a couple years’ hiatus.
However, that is all for now. More updates coming within the next 2-3 weeks, as my birthday is quickly approaching on March 30, and some opportunities are on the horizon as I speak. By the end of this week, I should have some very good news to share.