My Retort To The B.S. I’ve Been Hearing ALOT In My Adult Life…
I ain’t gon’ have no friends left after I publish this, but I don’t care. I love the truth, even if someone speaks it to me and my knees buckle from the jarring hit. The truth is beautiful. I hate political correctness, lies, blame shifting, inferiority complexes (not the people who suffer from them, however) and all the guilt-tripping that I will discuss here. But again, as I said, I may not have any friends once they read it and I’m fine with that. I don’t want you around me if you’re full of crap and self-hatred (but accusing others of having that same “self-hate” to deflect the focus from their OWN inadequacies and poor self-image). I’m really sick of it and things have gotten worse since I graduated high school.
When I was coming along, there was always this hang-up on skin color. It hasn’t gone away now, but it has shifted focus. You hear people say “Dark-skinned/chocolate bruvas is in now…” Back when I was in elementary, middle and the first part of high school (when things shifted) all you heard was “Light skinned dudes are in…” BLAH BLAH BLAH… why does it matter? At the end of the day, all the bull (I’m really trying to not slip back into cursing, because I HAVE been delivered) but all the bull that women talk about favoring a man’s inner core, his character, his spirituality/relationship with Jesus Christ takes a back seat to crap like skin color, hair texture and other genetic nonsense that no one truly has 100% control over.
For instance, I have female friends from just about every “race” (I hate the word), ethnicity, many nationalities and just within the Black diaspora itself — of ALL shades: from see-through/light-bright-but-still-Black to Blue/Black Purple. I have female friends from every end of the spectrum skin color-wise, hair texture-wise (more on that in a moment) and all heights, weights, sizes, what have you… And while I have my own personal preferences, apart from what media and society dictates as “beautiful” (someone’s going to be excluded — so why guilt-trip me because I favor “this” over “that”, right? However, one FUNDAMENTAL difference between what my preferences emanate from and the BULLSPIT that I am ranting about is my desires are pure, not birthed from self-hatred or trying to fit into some cookie-cutter image that in and of ITSELF is fleeting!
Of those women I speak of from my female friends, I hear them say a LOT of stuff about what they want in a man. This is one of the few times I get completely silent (strategically) and just listen. You cannot learn if you’re talking while information is being disseminated. Most of it SOUNDS GOOD, but it doesn’t seem to match their actions (in many cases). I won’t get personal with it, but I DO listen and observe and it’s just not adding up.
And let’s be straight here, I don’t want to sound like I’m nailing women and leaving men out — we know men’s faults, because we hear about them 1,000 times a day from overhearing conversations on campus, TV shows, magazines and what have you — plus, I’m talking from my perspective; and since I’m no maricon, I’m focusing on women — since I have personally had experiences with the things of which I speak.
But my spirit was somewhat grieved when I had read the transcript of an episode of The Tyra Banks Show and this Black woman went on there to tell the WORLD that she married and had children by an Asian man SOLELY to “ensure” that her children would have this elusive (and foolishly-termed) “GOOD HAIR“. WHAT?!?!?! What about his character?! What about what kind of father he will be?
This is why I personally get upset, because those qualities and virtues that I possess are always secondary. While I am not complaining, I kind of wonder about certain women who only come at me because they are “curious” about getting with a Black man. I certainly don’t mind the attention. What I wonder about is motive; and given my desire to build a healthy relationship — such motives cannot be the foundation of a healthy relationship — so I take umbrage with it.
My father is a great man. He has always been there for us. When I was born, things were definitely grimy. Awful conditions, squalor, and I was sickly. Unlike a lot of Black men, HE STAYED and perservered through thick and thin. Things have gotten progressively better over the years, to the point that by high school I was very much privileged (although I loved money too much and became a workaholic/degenerate gambler). There is something to be said for that. I got a lot of my qualities, not genetically, but by emulation.
My mother, who has pushed me like I was training to run for the Kentucky Derby since BEFORE she pushed me out of the womb, has helped shaped me in the ways that a father cannot. I am driven to be excellent in all that I do (not to be better than OTHERS, but to be my best — I am only in competition with MYSELF; big difference from the hypercompetitive people out there who try to put others down to make themselves look better). All that came from her. I believe that with the combination of the two, I turned out pretty good. How it is it then, that this NEVER gets discussed whenever I am getting to know women? All I hear is stuff about my skin complexion/texture, or my hair texture and all this PHYSICAL stuff; while I LOVE compliments, what about getting to know me for who I am inside, since this is what they CLAIM they want… since this is what they CLAIM they want to see different in a man… not just his money, or his looks or whether or not he is a thug (another hilarious thing is to see cats in Greensboro give me ice grills, walk around acting tough, talking tough and if I took them to three of the ‘hoods I’ve lived in: Harlem, Fort Greene and Newark, they’d turn softer than silly putty in Arizona heat after 10 minutes on the block — meanwhile, I’m a nice dude, don’t start beefs with anyone and try to respect everyone — including the dudes who run around thinking they got something on me… when I’ve DONE what they are breaking their necks, selling their souls and stepping all over others to GET TO).
OK, back to what I was saying. Another thing that bugs me is Black womens’ infatuation with hair. What’s REALLY good, though? Why is this so important? Why are so many still so ignorant to think that everyone’s hair texture is the same — that they hate on each other because of weave, then go perm their own hair… or because a guy’s hair isn’t as kinky as the next Black man’s and rolled up on his neck, that he AUTOMATICALLY has to be “putting something” in his hair? And these are college-educated women who MUST take Biology at some point in life… so SURELY you should know that genetics is not a perfect science. Just like skin complexions, weight, bone density and other things I won’t even talk about, EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Why flock to a guy because of the texture of his hair, and only want to get with him BECAUSE of that (and yes, I have had women say that directly to me)? Or why assume silly things, while not understanding his family tree? Instead of looking for who has “good hair” or who isn’t “ughhhhh TOO DARK” why not focus on who would make a great husband, a great supporter, a great provider, a prayer warrior, and MAN WHO LOVES THE LORD and therefore, will respect and value you above rubies (or, in the contemporary sense, above PLATINUM, 28 karat diamonds, Lamborghini whips, mansions, etc.)?
I have heard a lot of those aforementioned female friends make comments about a guy being “too dark”. I have heard it said about me, even WHILE some of them made the admission that “otherwise” I am a “nice guy” and “nice looking, to be a dark skinned guy”. Well, while I am not bitter or even the least bit upset about that (I just go elsewhere and commisserate with women who appreciate me for me, rather than develop a nasty attitude, blame-shift and guilt-trip those women who try to tear me down, instead of building me up as they SHOULD) I seriously wonder what is behind that sentiment. Again, what does that have to do with my personality and character? Secondly, with MY genetic background, even IF you want to be hung up on skin color, you have no idea how my children will turn out; because I truly thought my mother was white until I was about 7 or 8 years old… but you would not know that I am the product of such parentage just by looking at me. You have to get to know people. Skin color and hair texture hang-ups are stupid — especially for a group of women who already limit themselves in the dating/marriage pool (by not allowing non-Black men to make themselves available as serious suitors for them, and 10 women clamoring for every 1 good man — since that is the ratio these days). I just don’t understand where the self-hatred comes from. And to top it off, I get guilt-tripped because I decided years ago to not limit myself to just Black or Puerto Rican women. I think it is foolish, that if I am a Christian man, that if God be God and His Word be His Word, that if a woman is a born-again Christian, regardless of where she is from, her skin color, ethnicity, culture, nationality, etc., that it cannot work with God’s blessing. I am officially over it now. But I am deeply saddened by women who are like that woman from the Tyra Show, because I KNOW some like that and it goes a long way to answering the (“why aren’t you married yet?!?!?!”) question that people keep asking me. I never have been and still am not in a rush. I want a real and healthy friendship with a woman who shares the foundational things in common that I value and enough commonalities outside of spiritual things that we can relate. I don’t want a twin and I am not idealizing anyone. But ONLY giving Black women a chance, when so many of them refuse to treat you right — is foolish.
And to those on the “I can’t find a man on my level” or “I don’t want to take care of a man (aka ‘I make more money than him, so even though he’s doing his best, I need someone who makes more than me so I’ll feel good about myself around my girlfriends’) or even “Men are intimidated by my education, income, blah blah blah” — HOGWASH! BALDERDASH! I have never seen a bigger gaffle ever run in my lifetime than those lines. Enough already. I have seen women like this walk with their noses in the air right past me and some of my friends (who are ALL educated, as I am, and of great reputation, as I do not deal closely with scumbags) and then lay into each other and whine in church or their little groups that “there are no good Black men left…” I just never bought that line and I have seen how such women act around men who they readily discern aren’t as educated or making as much money as they are.
But please, please, PLEASE let’s stop the self-hate, the poor self-image/blameshifting onto Black men and get back to loving ourselves and who we are. It’s not about fitting into an ideal standard of “beauty” or “handsomeness”, it’s about CHARACTER AND INTEGRITY, and I would LOVE to be complimented (or insulted) on THOSE things for once, rather than physical attributes. I am not perfect and I am not Jesus Christ, but jeez, can I bruva get some love for being a great role model for young men (check) and someone who many older mothers would love to see their daughter with (not going there LOL)? There has to be something said about a guy’s personality ALONG WITH — not ASIDE FROM — his looks and other physical attributes. We hear women complain about men being hung up on those external things and supposedly not looking inside, but we DO look inward (there just has to be an attraction there FIRST; non-negotiatable. Sorry.)
That Tyra Show transcript pushed me over the edge, because I have been enduring a lot of nonsensical remarks for quite a while and never said anything. THAT woman literally made me throw my hands up and want to throw in the towel!